The Question of Parents in Independent Schools

School administrators andfaculty often say they need ideas about how to “deal with” parents. Usually, this request is accompanied bystories of parent misbehavior, and , when groups of administrators and facultyare together, such stories often cascade into a “can-you-top-this” sort ofsequence. We can corroborate many of thestories: we see some of the same excesses and hear the same strident (and attimes threatening) demands when we meet with groups of parents.

Yet when we meet with parents, we are just as likely to hearstories of problematic faculty and administrator behaviors. The offending behaviors are different, to besure, but the implication is the same: I/we aren’t being heard or understood orappreciated.

The situation becomes all the more curious—and critical—whenone takes into account the fact that both groups, parents and school people, arelocked into a dance of mutual dependency. Neither can fully succeed without the help of the other, since theyrepresent two of the four most powerful influences on young people (peers andmedia are the other two). So, when wehear administrators and faculty ask for help concerning parents, we ask them totell us more about what they’re thinking. We ask questions such as: Do you wishto attract parents who will be appropriate for your school? Are you hopingthey’ll value your educational approach? Do you want your current parents toagree with the school’s mission? Is an underlying issue how to get them to keeptheir children enrolled for the long-run?

“Yes, yes, of course,” they say. “So what do we ‘do’ aboutparents?”

We then ask such questions as: How do you help parents expandtheir understanding of their children’s development? Can you describe yourcomprehensive strategy for sharing your educational philosophy with them? Whatare the essential connections you create with them?

Often, their answers then veer into what we would call ParentControl.

“We’re trying to make parents stop getting their kids toschool late.”  “We need a good method toassure that they pay tuition on time.”  “It’s tricky to boot out problem Momsand Dads.”

We try to steer the conversation back to an essence.

What do you consider the parents’ role in their children’seducation?  How do you encourage attunement to your school’s mission?  Can youshow us a plan for the gradual development of relations with each parent overtheir years at your school?

Then the answers may sound like:

“We have back-to-school night and tell them the rules.”  “Wespell out our procedures in the parent handbook.”  “Parents are okay - as longas they don’t interfere.”  “We have to call some parents into the office whenthey’re causing havoc.”

Yes, we say.  And how do you partner with parents? How doassure you are on the same page in aiding the children?

We hear:

“Oh, we remind them to make sure their kids get enoughsleep.”  “They’re required to provide top-of-the-line computer software forhomework.”  “We insist that they get their children to school on time.”

We ask:

Do you think your approach to a topic such as discipline isbetter than the approaches of the parents? Do you wish Dads and Moms would letyou teach them a thing or two? How do you use your veteran parents as a schoolresource?

We hear:

“If only they’d listen to us.”  “They don’t need to know whatwe do, as long as their children [get good grades/ don’t get into trouble/ go onto prestigious colleges].”

We ask:

Would you really like your parents to become aligned with theschool’s educational philosophy?

We may then get as a response:

“Well, they came because of our school’s reputation. That’swhat they’re buying.”  “We just want parents to not tell us what to do.”

We all know that parents (and some grandparents) are ourschool’s “customers.” They write the check; they can tear up the contract. Weagree that our work is easier if they remain happy with the school. Yet merelytrying to manage parents is a weak and temporary way to keep them in theschool.

It seems that many schools consider parents as a necessaryburden, or at best a distraction from a school’s “real” work. We’re notdiscounting some too-real horror stories of raging Mom or malcontent Dad. Many aschool has been challenged with a nasty rumor mill among parents. But even during the absence of blatantproblems, some schools – or some of their personnel – maintain a stance againstparents: It’s “us” vs. them.”

Instead, the attitude we support within each schoolcommunity: “Us all, for thechildren.”

We find the strategy that serves a school best, and is muchmore sustainable, is to cultivate a positive relationship with parents.

Whether you’re viewing parents from the office, the boardtable, or the classroom, you could see them as your partners. Schools that successfully uplift theirconsideration of parents find that their schools gain treasure. Those schoolsbecome better at attracting compatible families. They retain more of theirstudents, for longer. They enjoy interactions with families, and they findparents daily bringing value into the school community. And these are theschools that maintain beneficial relationships with their alumni.

We hope you find useful the many questions we pose in thebeginning paragraphs of this article. Your own answers – and those of each ofyour school’s faculty and staff members – may stimulate new insights. Instead oftrying to “deal with” parents, you may free up energy that enhances yourprogram.

A next step we suggest is to consider your parents’ needs anddesires. We will continue this discussion in a future article. 

by Jana Zvibleman

Jana Zvibleman and Bruce Marbin are partners of AhaEducational Consulting, helpingeducators achieve excellence.  Theyoffer consultation, workshops, and presentations for school administrators,faculty, and parent communities. Theirtopics include parent education, fundraising, teacher and board development,alumni relations, and outreach.

"The Question of Parents" appears in the September 2007 issue of Leading Trends.  A downloadable copy of the entire newsletter is available at http://www.ta-stl.com/LeadingTrends092007.pdf.